I Punch Of Reality To The Face

So this weekend I was relaxing at my moms house for a bit while my daughters enjoyed my sisters birthday party.  Too many small children for my liking so I was hiding inside while they all played outside.  Well my mom asked me very matter-of-factly if I had a good life insurance policy and that my beneficiaries were in line so that my daughters could be taken care of if something happened.  I looked at her and was like well yes I do and her response "Well since you don't take good care of yourself and are very heavy I wanted to make sure that if something happened to you that the girls would be taken care of."  This was one of those "What the fuck." kind of moments the ones where you go "are things really that bad?"  "am I already knocking on deaths door."  I realized I am.  I am pretty much taunting death to take me.  I mean yeah I did quit smoking and drink very rarely like 2 beers a month. However that is only a small fraction of the abuse that I put on my body.  The sedentary life that I live and the food that I shove in my body are causing my body to fall apart.

I always thought that I didn't have to rush to get things in order that I had plenty of time but the years have continued to creep by and the only progress that I have made is in getting fatter.  Every week I am reaching a new weight high.  People think I should have surgery to lose the weight but I know that I can do it I just have to be stronger than my need for the food.  I have to walk that fine line.  I know that I can do it and I will do it.  I need to do it.  Not for myself but for my daughters.

Mark

The Razor-Wire Is Gone

Well had to take a sick day from work yesterday.  Wednesday night I felt like there was a ball of razor-wire stuck in the back of my throat.  It was hard to breath and the pain, I felt, was going to drive me insane.  I took yesterday off of work and made so to take some good cold medicine and that I had a nice bag of cough drops on hand at all times.  Last night I was actually able to sleep the whole night through and it was a wonderful thing.  When I woke up this morning I was able to swallow and breath without feeling like I was going to die.  It was a great thing.  Something that was really funny was the first thing I thought when my throat started hurting was "Man I am glad that I don't smoke anymore.  That would suck." 

I have been 29 weeks and 4 days without a smoke.  It is interesting because I never thought that I would be able to quit and the fact that all it took was me deciding to not stop that one morning to get smokes on my way to work.

I am thinking that this weekend is going to be a cleaning weekend.  Yesterday I did nothing all day so I feel that I need to move around and make up for it today.  I also ate a lot of food last night once my throat started feeling better.  Going to use that to move on to my next segment of this post.  I realize that I had this incredible will power to stop smoking I just one day said ok I am done.  Most people would say that my will power is very strong to be able to do that.  If I can do that why cant I have the will power to get to the gym or to not stuff my face with food on an hourly basis.  That is my big question and that is the next step I need to take in my life.  Finding a way to direct that will power into losing weight that is what I am working on right now.  Well I am going to do some work and hopefully I will get some more blogging in later today if I happen to come across anything interesting to talk about.

M.

Doctor Who

OK so I am very late to the dance but I just recently like a week ago discovered the joy that is Doctor Who.  I was told that it was a show that I really needed to see but honestly it has already been around long enough and I just don't have the time to catch up on a show that has spanned decades.  I was informed that I could start with the 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and then time would fill in the gaps. They were correct I am halfway through the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) and I am utterly hooked.  I have last sleep each night this week watching the show on Netflix and I am beating myself up for not getting into this show sooner.

I have come to realized that for a person like me who has a very loose grip on reality and can easily find myself getting sucked into a world of fantasy this show may not be the best thing to watch. 90% of the episodes are heartbreaking.  I find myself getting far too attached to characters that I know are probably going to die or leave the show in some incredibly sad way.  Even when the 9th Doctor regenerated to become the 10th Doctor I was a mess.  Last night I watched the last episodes with Rose and well it almost broke me.  I know I know I am a mess I am a wuss and should not be talking about this out loud.

This just goes to show how unstable I think I have become.  I used to have amazing social skills I use to have friends and like to go and do stuff.  Over the last like 10 years I have lost those social skills.  I don't like to be around people and I don't have many friends and the friends I do have live so far away that I cant really count on them for social interaction.

I have reached a point where characters in TV shows, movies and books are really my only friends.  I have lost all real social interactions with people outside of work, and when I do socially interact with people I feel clumsy and awkward with it.  I feel like everything seems forced.  I have become something that I never wanted to become.  I have become addicted to the internet.  I have lost all real sense of the world around me I think that I am riding the cusp of insanity.  I am hoping that this blog might help me keep what little grip I have on sanity.

Blessed Be

M