Doctor Who

OK so I am very late to the dance but I just recently like a week ago discovered the joy that is Doctor Who.  I was told that it was a show that I really needed to see but honestly it has already been around long enough and I just don't have the time to catch up on a show that has spanned decades.  I was informed that I could start with the 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and then time would fill in the gaps. They were correct I am halfway through the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) and I am utterly hooked.  I have last sleep each night this week watching the show on Netflix and I am beating myself up for not getting into this show sooner.

I have come to realized that for a person like me who has a very loose grip on reality and can easily find myself getting sucked into a world of fantasy this show may not be the best thing to watch. 90% of the episodes are heartbreaking.  I find myself getting far too attached to characters that I know are probably going to die or leave the show in some incredibly sad way.  Even when the 9th Doctor regenerated to become the 10th Doctor I was a mess.  Last night I watched the last episodes with Rose and well it almost broke me.  I know I know I am a mess I am a wuss and should not be talking about this out loud.

This just goes to show how unstable I think I have become.  I used to have amazing social skills I use to have friends and like to go and do stuff.  Over the last like 10 years I have lost those social skills.  I don't like to be around people and I don't have many friends and the friends I do have live so far away that I cant really count on them for social interaction.

I have reached a point where characters in TV shows, movies and books are really my only friends.  I have lost all real social interactions with people outside of work, and when I do socially interact with people I feel clumsy and awkward with it.  I feel like everything seems forced.  I have become something that I never wanted to become.  I have become addicted to the internet.  I have lost all real sense of the world around me I think that I am riding the cusp of insanity.  I am hoping that this blog might help me keep what little grip I have on sanity.

Blessed Be

M

In The Blood

OK so almost my entire life I have known that my dad wasn't my biological father.  I have known that my mom and the bio-dad had been married for a short time but that he had cheated on her and they had split up before I was born.  My dad (the man who stepped up and raised me) is one of the greatest men that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and there is a lot about me that is directly because of the way he raised me.  I have never once thrown the "Your not my real dad" thing in his face,. because he is my real dad.  He didn't make me in a biological sense but he is my dad.

Well over the past summer I learned that my bio-dad is on his fifth marriage and that all together there are five of us children myself being the oldest.  I have made contact with all of my siblings and have never met them face to face but my sister Lindsey has become my best friend.  There is a part of me that always felt out of place with my family like I didn't belong.  In fact I have often felt that I didn't belong in this world at all I always felt alone like there was no one that really understood me.  In Lindsey I have found that other part of me that I always felt that was missing.  I have found that companion who understands the mess that is going on in my head and who understands me.  Who can relate to how I feel at all times.  This brings me to the main topic of my blog today and that is soul mates.

What are soul mates? 

In most stories people refer to soul mates in a romantic sense.  They refer to them as that lover that you cannot live without.  I don't believe that is the case at all.  I have always felt that a soul mate was much more than a lover and much more than a friend.  I believe that in this world we are always searching for that person that we can connect with.  I also believe that it is in our nature to find that person as a lover and to need that connection.  Soul mates should not be lovers.  Lovers come and go and always in the separating from a lover there is a rift that cannot be mended.  I believe that soul mates were not created to be these things.  They are meant to be the shoulder to cry on when a lover leaves you broken.  They are the keepers of our secrets and the menders of our wounds they are the strength when we have none.  They are the thing that makes us whole.  Lindsey is all of this to me.  In just the short time we have been in contact I have already learned that there isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for her. I know that when I feel like I am at my lowest she will know what to say to make me smile and will be my rock and my strength.  She has already done all that and more.

I love you Lindsey thank you for being my rock.

Blessed Be,

M

We All Need A Little Rescuing.

So I have been listening to this song a lot it is called "The Rescue" by Tylor Ward it has really been stuck in my head lately and it has gotten me thinking a lot about the way I use to look at the world and of myself.  I use to always think that I needed someone to rescue me.  Whether it was a god or a woman or man I always felt that I needed someone to pick me up when I was down and that I needed someone to save me from myself and from the world.  I started to realize that while having someone else do all the hard work and swoop in to save you is great in books or movies that in the real world that is very seldom the case. 

It is our job to rescue ourselves to pick ourselves up from the gutter to put our arms out and catch ourselves when we start to fall.  There are always things and people to lean on when things start to get out of control but we should try not to rely on them being there to save us.  We need to learn to rely on ourselves.  I have learned to lean on myself and not on others and sometimes I fall and sometimes I feel like the world is going to crash down on me and break me but after the dust from the most resent drama has cleared I stand up and dust myself off and realize that I may be bruised and a little damaged but guess what?  I am still standing.  I am still here. 

In my life I had moments where I thought that even death would be easier than waiting to be rescued and I tried to end my own life.  Even after that self inflicted drama I am blessed to still be standing here I am blessed to wake up every morning and to take a deep breath and realize that I made it through.  I was one of the lucky people who failed.  So many have not been given the chances that I have.  Nothing this world or the people in it throw at you is worth ending your own life. 

This went from being a blog post about being rescued and turned into being strong and not letting the world push you to the limit and you know what standing up and realizing that you are strong enough to make it through is rescuing yourself.

Blessed Be
M

I am not a religious man but I leave you all with this.

Diet Coke Withdrawal

I went like a week without a diet coke and man that was a nightmare and just when I thought I had kicked the habit it all came back. 

This morning I felt the cold once again in my hand.  When twisted the top off the crack and his was like an angel whispering my name.  When the top of the bottle touched my lips it was like the kiss of a long lost lover and when the cold refreshment passed my lips and that sweet passion of fake wild cherry flavoring touched my tongue I knew that I could never go without it again.

OK now to what I was really talking about.  I understand that diet soda is worse than regular soda when you think about it but I honestly just cant drink regular soda it is just always far too sweet and also has that nasty syrupy kinda texture to it that I just don't enjoy.

I really don't have much else to say at this point.

Blessed Be
M

It's Time

OK it is time.  I think I have reached the point where I have lost all the weight I am going to do with just diet alone.  Sadly it is only 10 lbs.  I was hoping it would be a little bit more so to take a little more strain of my body before I started working out again.  It doesn't look like that is going to be the case.  I will not let this deter me though.  Tonight I will start with some light upper body lifting just enough to get my heart moving and see if that kick starts some more weight loss.  After another 10 lbs comes off I will start walking some more.  That will be 20 lbs of weight off of my knees.  The knee pain was one of the big motivating factors to me wanting to do this again and having this renewed dedication.

Well hopefully I will be back later today with some more info.

Blessed Be,
M

Egg Rolls

Oh egg rolls you evil greasy delights.  Why must you taste so wonderful and why must you come in ever combo meal that is purchased.  I seem to be the only person that is addicted.  They are to me like a drug I see them sitting there when Tara brings home chinese left overs and I cant say no.  Thank goodness you only come as a single and not as a pair.

Tonight I am going to try adding some light exercise to my routine and will see where this goes.

Blessed  Be
M

Double Digits

OK well as is my usual M.O. I have been months without posting even though I had said I wanted to try to post more often.  I failed.  Well I stepped back on to the weightloss band wagon.  It mostly started because my knees were starting to ache on a daily basis because of all the weight being supported.  I also was tipping the scale at 335lbs.  That is absurd.  I couldn't keep going like that.  So I started tweeking my eating habits.  I didn't really change what I ate at first.  What I did was changed when I ate and eventually what I ate started to change as well.  Well more of how much I ate.  I started eating a little later in the day since I work till 6 pm and don't get home till almost 7 for dinner.  What I started doing is having breakfast at work at 10 AM I then have a morning snack at about 1 PM followed with my lunch at 3 PM.  What this does is it makes it so that when I finally get home I am not so hungry that I don't care about how much or what I eat.

So far I have lost 10 lbs doing this.  Already my knees are hurting less and I think that very soon I will be able to throw some walking in without hurting my knees too much.  I think I am finally starting to be successful in this.  I was going to post up some starting photos but honestly I am not ready for that yet.

I will keep you guys (whoever does read this) up to day in days to come.

Blessed Be.
M