Back From The Brink...

Man I really thought I was going to die.  I had a horrible stomach virus or something not really sure what it was but I made me feel like I was dying.  I went to work yesterday just trying to suffer through it thinking that I could make it through.  I was sadly mistaken by 1:00 PM I was falling a part.  I was sitting at my desk sweating and in an incredible amount of pain.  Luckily my bosses are amazing and they let me go home at like 3:00 PM.  I went home and just slept on the couch pretty much all evening.  This morning though when I woke up I felt almost back to normal and it made the thought of going to work actually enjoyable. 

Look I just traveled through time and it is the next day... Haha started this blog on Tuesday and will maybe complete this on Wednesday.  Nothing new really happened last night except that I think I am finding great and wonderful ways of screwing myself up and failing.  I just cant seem to stop eating crappy foods and feeling crappy.  I am going to try to be honest with myself.  I have been having problems with Reese's cups because someone gave me like 7 bags of them that they bought on clearance after Halloween for the kids to consume but I took a bag to work and have been living off that stupid mentality that once they are gone I things will be so much easier even though I know that is not the case.  Oh well I don't know.

My Halo 4 Review (SPOILER FREE)

So I loves me some Halo and I decided to give my opinion about Halo 4 the latest chapter in this epic saga.  OK I will admit it I was scared about where the franchise would go after Bungie stepped away and 343 stepped in and took over.  That fear was misplaced.  I was afraid that this game would play differently that it would be a "Halo" game.  Again I was mistaken this game plays just like a Halo game.  I can move seamlessly from playing Halo 3 and into 4 and not feel like I am trying to relearn how to play a game.  The new enemies are amazing and admittedly I am still on my easy run through.  I always run through a game on easy for the first play through so that I can focus more on the story and less on trying to survive.  After I finish the campaign on easy I will move up and really start to get my teeth wet.  The story so far is amazing and the voice acting is even better than in past games.

Something brilliant that Microsoft and 343 did with this was the Forward Unto Dawn series they released through Machinima Prime was a great item to get my mouth watering and get me ready for the game.  I don't really want to go into it too much because of the possibility of spoilers.

I haven't had a chance to go through much of the multiplayer modes except for Spartan Ops which was what I was most excited to see and it is amazing.  I love the idea of these small ongoing  and ever evolving campaigns that keep giving you something fresh to do every week.  I do have to admit though that I have heard that so far they are only going to do it for the first 10 weeks after the launch but I hope that they decide to continue it after that period.  If anyone happens to stumble on this blog and has any info on if they are going to keep this going please comment. :)

OK so to sum it up this game is amazing and well worth the price.  It has everything that we have always loved about Halo and a couple of new things that are sure to be loved just as well.  I am hoping to start making these little blog posts a regular thing when new games come out and I have the money to purchase them.  The next one I think will probably be on Medal of Honor Warfighters I have been really excited to get my hands on that game and soon I will be able to do just that.

Good Gaming,

Needlesedge

What A Week.

Well this was a crazy week.  Monday the hurricane rolled in and my company decided to close the office Monday and Tuesday and to have us work from home if possible well the power went out Monday evening and stayed out through till mid day Wednesday.  I know that there are many that are still without power so I am not going to whine and complain about it.  I did feel like I was heading down the route of Jack Torrance from The Shining because of not having electricity.  It is rough for me to be in a situation where I cant do anything about it.  Well Thursday they finally opened up the office and it was nice to be able to get back to work.  Thought honestly when I came in to work today I was as exhausted as if I would have stayed at work all week.   I am ready for a stress free weekend I want to just relax and watch some TV and play a little bit of video games.

I have also been doing a pretty decent job of not eating like a Big-Fat-Fatty.  I stopped trying to look at it like a long term goal.  I am now approaching it like I approached not smoking.  Every day is a new day.  I am not trying to get through the week.  Only trying to get through the day.  On Monday it will be 1 year without smokes.  It is kind of amazing to think that I was finally able to make the change.  What worked was each morning when I would normally stop for a pack of smokes I just went "Nah I will stop on my way home from work." Then when it was time to go home I would just go "Nah I don't feel like stopping right now." Eventually it was a week and then a month and here I am at a year.  Well I am going to try to finish up the rest of this work day. 

Blessed Be.
M

Still Trying to Be A Blogger

I haven't posted anything for awhile for the usual reasons that I just don't have anything of interest to share.  I don't really have anything interesting to say here but I figured I would at least type up something.  I have been  eating like a pig as is the usual but I have been hating myself for it more than I have in the past.  I don't really want to delve on that too much because I feel like I am beating a dead horse on that topic and I feel that by worrying about it so much I am doing myself more harm than good so I am going to spend my time talking about other things for example dreams.

The other night I had a bizarre dream that I was drinking with the guys from Roosterteeth and Achievement Hunter and I drank too much and passed out and when I woke up I discovered that Burnie and Jack had shaved my beard off.  I really love my beard but didn't realize how much I loved my beard until I woke up and was like "nooooo"  I mean I woke up actually upset at some of the funniest people I have never had the chance to actually meet.   It was quiet humorous.

No onto what I have been playing lately.

I am still playing a lot of Minecraft it is kind of great because you don't have to do anything it is just enjoy time and do nothing.  Then I started playing Darksiders II.  It is a pretty good game I haven't gotten too far into it because it is mostly just an adventure kind of hack and slash game.  I keep trying to devote more time to it but who knows perhaps in time I will love it the way I hope too.  I have also been debating giving Fallout 3 another shot.  I tried playing it when it first came out but honestly I just couldn't seem to get into it.  I havent made up my mind yet on if I am going to take the time again.

Well that is something I will hopefully get to type some more at a later date and have more interesting things to say.

Blessed Be.
M

Dating Amanda: Shoestring Romance

Dating Amanda: Shoestring Romance: A lot of guys I know whine complain about how women will date them as long as they pay for the dates. There is even the ever popular view th...

Doomsday.

There is something that will always make me cry and it is this scene from Doctor Who.  The Doctor and Rose separate into different dimension never to be able to to see each other again.  I didn't get into Doctor Who until it hit the air waves with the 9th incarnation of the Doctor so for me this was the first time ever really seeing the Doctor really in love.  It was a heartbreaking moment and for some reason I felt the urge to type something up quick about this.  I am going to put up another blog this evening hopefully with some more substance who knows it may be Doctor Who related or it could be something completely different.

M

I am a Manatee

I am a Manatee I am a gentle creature that in the water is graceful and relaxed but on land would be crushed under its on massive weight.  That is how I felt yesterday when I got out of the pool.  I went swimming, and I mean real swimming not just floating around in a wading pool, for the first time in years and it was great floating in the water was most most relaxed I have felt in a long time.  Also you work out a good deal of muscles just treading water or directing yourself around the pool.

However after two hours in the pool my body had gotten use to being supported by the water and when I went to climb out of the pool I was made painfully aware of how heavy I have gotten.  I have lost some weight in the last few weeks but not nearly enough.  My body groaned and creaked as my into structure worked to try to get use to carrying the weight normally again.  I vowed that I would keep moving forward and would now start working some exercise into my routine no matter what.  No more excuses this is me being punched in the face and realizing I am a manatee and I don't want to be one.


M

A Man Of Few Deeds.

I was driving in my car this morning when a song came on my MP3 player that I haven't listened to in a long time it is called "Here Me Now" by Hollywood Undead and there is a line in the song it is a very simple line "A man of many words but a man of few deeds."  I heard that line today on the way to work and it hit me, that is a perfect description of me.  I have all these big plans and talk that I have all these big feeling about things but honestly the more I think about it I don't actually ever follow that talk up with any actually deeds.  No wonder it seems that everyone in my life is miserable all the time.  It seems that everyone that relies on me for anything is unhappy.  I was going somewhere with this post but I give up on it.

A Promise To My Face.

I use to have this awesome beard that is pictured above.  I then made the horrible mistake of shaving it down to stubble now I am stuck starting over and I look at this picture and I cry I miss my shaggy best friend.  Nothing compares to the comforting feeling of having a beard and I don't mean on of those little douche-bag chinstrap things or thin bear that is just long enough to give an even coat I am talking about a real beard.  A beard you can tug on with both hands a beard that you can find things in after a long night of drinking and go "Where the F@%& did that come from and what is it."  That is what I am heading back for that is much more.  Hurry up beard come back to me I promise to never shave you again.

Sincerely M

I want to blog.

I want to blog but I am having a hard time finding something worth wild to blog about I mean nothing really eventful has happened to me in the two weeks. I do have one little bit of good news I went to a cookout at my moms house last night for the 4th of July and I had a veggie burger with a slice of tomato and mustard and some corn on the cob that is it.  I bypassed the macaroni salad, the pie and the ice cream.  I was incredibly proud of myself it isn't often that I can get myself into that kind of frame of mine.

Now to a bummer news the brakes in my car are starting to go I mean squealing and groaning like you would not believe I am just hoping that they hold up till I can afford to get them fixed.  It is very embarrassing driving the car as it is but I don't really have any options at this point.  Every time I press my brake pedal it is very loud and annoying. I am hoping to be able to get them fixed next weekend.  They just  need to hold off till then.  Well I am going to head off of this and hopefully this is enough of a blog to just keep things going.  I am hoping to have more to post later.

M

Not doing great, but not doing horrible.

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in like a month.  The only upside was that I weighed less than what I thought I would be.  Fortunately I weighed the same 336lbs that I did the last time I got on the scale however it made me realize that I have been eating very well the last three days and have been trying to move around more.  I don't mean exercising yet but I do mean getting up and walking to get things instead of trying to get someone else to get stuff for me.  I also make a point to get up and walk around the office more.   Actually using the further away water machine than the one closer to my desk.  I know it isn't much but at least it is something.

I have begun to get some of my eating under control.  They late night munchies are doing a real harm to it but it is hard to get myself to go to bed at a decent time I know that if I could just get myself in to bed earlier I could bypass the entire issue with the late night eating but there are forces that prevent me from getting to bed at a decent time.  I know that if I could do that things would be a lot easier but no excuses I have to work things out they way they are.  Well I thought I would have more to say but honestly don't really feel like typing anymore.

No More Excuses

 

I woke up this morning feeling like I was dying.  I woke up feeling like this picture.  I woke up feeling like a beached whale.  Like a huge creature that is being crushed by its own weight that is no longer being supported by the water.  I feel like with ever step my knees or my legs are going to give out underneath me or that when I am laying down my weight is going to crush my lungs and I wont be able to breath anymore.  I didn't even want to eat anything this morning but I forced myself to have some breakfast and I will make myself have some lunch so that come this evening perhaps I wont stuff myself to the point of feeling like I am going to die.

I am tired of being exhausted all the time.  I know that my horrible sleep pattern is a major factor in this.  I don't go to bed till like 1 or 2 each night and then I am stuck having to get up at 6 am every morning.  It really starts to weigh on a person when you aren't getting enough sleep to really function and the heavier I get the less restful my sleep gets every night.

I think that I really am dying I think that if I don't work things out now and stop making excuses. No more excuses.

M

So Many Wonderful Vices.

OK so I wanted to do a little followup on my Casino experience I was hoping to have some pictures to go along with this but as is the usual I am procrastinating about getting the pictures.  Mostly this is going to be a post about the food that I was able to enjoy (being as it was free).  Well the limo picked us up about 5:20 pm.  I must say that I do love riding in a limo I wish I had a job that would allow me to ride in one on a daily basis (being a drive is excluded).  I love when people strain to try to see who is in the limo hoping to catch a glimpse of some celebrity but alas all that was there was me and my friends.

Upon arrival at the casino, which is a pretty large building considering where it is located, we made our way to the back of the casino to the restaurant where are free meal would be enjoyed.  It was a wonderful little place called Chickie's and Pete's It is a very nice seafood place that has several locations in the area.  I must say that the Parx Casino location is by far my favorite. We got to the table and started with a round of drinks.  I pretty much stuck with Yuengling Lager all night.  Then we ordered two orders of their famous Crab Fries which are utterly wonderful and incredibly bad for you, but I won this so I ate and ate a lot.  We also ordered to orders of their Crab Nachos another utterly decadent delight.  It is tortilla chips seasoned and covered with greens, cheese, crab meat, red peppers and a wonderfully spicy secret sauce.  Again I ate too much of that.  I then ordered about 3 more Lagers.

We enjoyed seeing a live broadcast of probably my favorite radio sports show, Talking Baseball with Dutch.  It is on the Fanatic a local Philly radio station.  They were actually the ones that I won the contest from.  Darren "Dutch" Daulton is a bit of a legend in the Philly area he was pretty much the heart and soul of the 1993 National League Champion Phillies. Not to mention probably the nicest guy you will ever get to meet in your life.  The other host to this show is Jon Marks who is a bit of a broadcasting legend in Philly at least in my eyes he is.    It was great to meat those guys.

Then it was time to order the actual meal.  Now I know it is a seafood place but I had to try the Italian Burger it come with mozzarella, prosciutto, arugula and a wonderful Italian dressing.  It was to die for.  I devoured that with a quickness, and followed that with another Lager.

After the broadcast was over we took some more pictures with Dutch before he had to scram and then the Parkette of the Month Lily took us for a tour of the Casino.  This place is pretty awesome I must say.  There are slots pretty much everywhere and a good deal of card tables set up they are actually in the process of adding more gaming tables because when the casino originally opened up the state would only let them have slots.  They also have a very cool dance club that is set up with a stage for live bands to perform.  The bar actually runs around the stage.   After the tour was over we drank some more and played some slot machines and tried our hands are roulette.  I made sure that I only spent the money that I set aside for myself to spend for gambling.  Turned out good. I didn't win anything but didn't lose anymore than I was planning to lose.

After several hours we called for the limo and he took us home.  That was my casino adventure in a nutshell I do plan on going there more often since it is pretty darn close.

M.

I Actually Won Something.

So I actually won something I know I am as shocked as anyone.  This radio station in the area I live in 97.5 The Fanatic holds this contest every Monday where they give away a VIP Experience to the Parx Casino, a local casino around these parts.  Well I won so tonight me and three friends will be picked up at 5:30 pm in a limo and taken to Parx to enjoy a free meal and drinks at Chickie's and Pete's as well as a live broadcast of Talking Baseball with Dutch.  That should be nice because the Phillies actually won last night so we can talk about that.  Then we will get a vip tour of the Casino but the Parkette of the month and then can do a little gambling and when we are ready to depart the limo will be waiting to take us home.  Should be quite a nice event I will be sure to do a follow up blog tomorrow complete with some pics I am hoping.

Mark

I Punch Of Reality To The Face

So this weekend I was relaxing at my moms house for a bit while my daughters enjoyed my sisters birthday party.  Too many small children for my liking so I was hiding inside while they all played outside.  Well my mom asked me very matter-of-factly if I had a good life insurance policy and that my beneficiaries were in line so that my daughters could be taken care of if something happened.  I looked at her and was like well yes I do and her response "Well since you don't take good care of yourself and are very heavy I wanted to make sure that if something happened to you that the girls would be taken care of."  This was one of those "What the fuck." kind of moments the ones where you go "are things really that bad?"  "am I already knocking on deaths door."  I realized I am.  I am pretty much taunting death to take me.  I mean yeah I did quit smoking and drink very rarely like 2 beers a month. However that is only a small fraction of the abuse that I put on my body.  The sedentary life that I live and the food that I shove in my body are causing my body to fall apart.

I always thought that I didn't have to rush to get things in order that I had plenty of time but the years have continued to creep by and the only progress that I have made is in getting fatter.  Every week I am reaching a new weight high.  People think I should have surgery to lose the weight but I know that I can do it I just have to be stronger than my need for the food.  I have to walk that fine line.  I know that I can do it and I will do it.  I need to do it.  Not for myself but for my daughters.

Mark

Ramen For Breakfast.

Man today was one of the mornings where my routine was completely thrown out the window.  Because of that I am enjoying some nice Maruchan Instant Ramen for breakfast since I didn't have time to make myself something more breakfasty before I sprinted out the door this morning.  Good thing I actually really like this stuff or it could have ended up being the second bad start to a day in a row.

I am trying to think about what I want to do this evening.  I want to do some sort of working out but I am still having a hard time figuring out where to start.  I mean this has been my issue since I first started trying to lose weight.  I just cant seem to get myself moving.  I have a bunch of easy DVD's that I could work on but I know that I wont do that.

This day is really dragging so much there is no work coming through and I am really trying to reach to find something worth writing about here.  I am trying to go a day without caffeine but I don't know if I can do that.  It sucks already ready.  I am also having shavers remorse.  I shaved some of my beard off and I am very much regretting it.  Well I am done for the time being hopefully I will have more to type later.

M

Break Stuff

Man today is already turning out to be a horrible day.  Lets start it out. called the courthouse yesterday to find out there hours.  The guy said 9am I was like sweet.  So this morning I show up at the annex to drop off the rest of my divorce papers.  They don't open till 9:30.  So I sit and wait.  9:30 rolls around and I go into the office to drop the papers off.  Turns out I need to date a few papers.  Not a big deal I date the papers and hand them back to the clerk.  She comes back saying that some of the papers that me and the ex had signed and had notarized were dated for the day we initially filed.  Apparently this is a no-no.  She said I could file them but then the divorce would be denied and then I would have to pay to refile.  So now I have to go and reprint these two papers and then we have to go and have them notarized again.  So the time I took off from work this morning was for nothing.  The thing that really pisses me off is that when I brought the packet of papers there originally the original clerk did not mention a thing about those papers being dated wrong.  If he would have mentioned that 90 days ago it would have been handled by now.

Ok so I left the court house very upset because I hate taking time off from work.  So then on my way to work I  had to take a thirty minute long detour because the road I was traveling was closed for get this 100 feet.  JUST 100 FEET!!! so I ended up wasting two hours of my work day for absolutely nothing so freaking irritating.

Well I am going to try relax and not have my head explode.

M

Long Weekend With Weird Weather

This weekend was full of some odd weather and felt like it was a week instead of just a weekend.  It seemed like the sky couldn't make up its mind if it was going to rain or let the sun shine through and be wonderful.  Eventually as the day wore on the rain won out over the sun and it poured the funny thing was that they shot off some fireworks Friday night and as soon as the grand finale was over the sky just opened up and dumped on us.  It was very interesting.  It was however wonderful to lay on the couch with the window open almost all weekend listening to the rain as it came and went and the nice breeze that would shoot around the neighborhood.  It made for some really relaxing time.

I did also eat far too much food over the weekend as is my usual MO.  I still haven't figured out what I need to do to keep myself on track.

On an upside I went to a party this weekend it was my friend Megs little brothers 21'st birthday and even though 90% of the people there smoked I managed to stay strong.  I have been 30 weeks without a smoke I think that the longest I have ever gone during any of my previous attempts to quit smoking was like 20 weeks at the absolute most that is awesome.  It is really one of the few things I am doing for myself right now that I can really be proud of.

Well it is time for me to go and get started on actually doing some work even though there isn't really anything for me to do.

M

The Razor-Wire Is Gone

Well had to take a sick day from work yesterday.  Wednesday night I felt like there was a ball of razor-wire stuck in the back of my throat.  It was hard to breath and the pain, I felt, was going to drive me insane.  I took yesterday off of work and made so to take some good cold medicine and that I had a nice bag of cough drops on hand at all times.  Last night I was actually able to sleep the whole night through and it was a wonderful thing.  When I woke up this morning I was able to swallow and breath without feeling like I was going to die.  It was a great thing.  Something that was really funny was the first thing I thought when my throat started hurting was "Man I am glad that I don't smoke anymore.  That would suck." 

I have been 29 weeks and 4 days without a smoke.  It is interesting because I never thought that I would be able to quit and the fact that all it took was me deciding to not stop that one morning to get smokes on my way to work.

I am thinking that this weekend is going to be a cleaning weekend.  Yesterday I did nothing all day so I feel that I need to move around and make up for it today.  I also ate a lot of food last night once my throat started feeling better.  Going to use that to move on to my next segment of this post.  I realize that I had this incredible will power to stop smoking I just one day said ok I am done.  Most people would say that my will power is very strong to be able to do that.  If I can do that why cant I have the will power to get to the gym or to not stuff my face with food on an hourly basis.  That is my big question and that is the next step I need to take in my life.  Finding a way to direct that will power into losing weight that is what I am working on right now.  Well I am going to do some work and hopefully I will get some more blogging in later today if I happen to come across anything interesting to talk about.

M.

Been Away For a Bit

Well I have been away for awhile actually been busy off and on with work.  I know that is a shocker.  Also haven't really had much to talk about as of late.  The Memorial Day weekend is over and I think I am finally done digesting the massive amount of food that I consumed over the weekend. 

It has been pretty hot the last few days here.  Hot and humid.  Fortunately it rained a lot last night and today is not so bad.  I have been dealing with not having a cell phone for the last like two weeks and man that has been quite the adventure.  I don't have many people that I talk to on a regular basis ok well no one that I actually talk to but I do text a couple of people often, and it has been a very trying experience not being able to have regular contact with them.  Luckily tomorrow I will rejoin the the cellular world.

Also I have been fighting off a cold for the last few days.  My ex-wife got it first and it turn gave it too our oldest daughter who of course in turn gave it to me.  By the time I got it I think it had mutated into a much more terrifying strain.  Not really feeling it the worst part is that I need sleep to get better but I cant sleep because of the coughing.  I can not win this battle.

I have a feeling that tonight when I get home I am going to have to clean I just have a feeling that small children are going to have made a mess in the time it takes for me to get home and I know that I am going to feel anxious and need to keep myself moving or doing something. 

Well time for my lunch break that will consist of me reading in my car.

M

Doctor Who

OK so I am very late to the dance but I just recently like a week ago discovered the joy that is Doctor Who.  I was told that it was a show that I really needed to see but honestly it has already been around long enough and I just don't have the time to catch up on a show that has spanned decades.  I was informed that I could start with the 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and then time would fill in the gaps. They were correct I am halfway through the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) and I am utterly hooked.  I have last sleep each night this week watching the show on Netflix and I am beating myself up for not getting into this show sooner.

I have come to realized that for a person like me who has a very loose grip on reality and can easily find myself getting sucked into a world of fantasy this show may not be the best thing to watch. 90% of the episodes are heartbreaking.  I find myself getting far too attached to characters that I know are probably going to die or leave the show in some incredibly sad way.  Even when the 9th Doctor regenerated to become the 10th Doctor I was a mess.  Last night I watched the last episodes with Rose and well it almost broke me.  I know I know I am a mess I am a wuss and should not be talking about this out loud.

This just goes to show how unstable I think I have become.  I used to have amazing social skills I use to have friends and like to go and do stuff.  Over the last like 10 years I have lost those social skills.  I don't like to be around people and I don't have many friends and the friends I do have live so far away that I cant really count on them for social interaction.

I have reached a point where characters in TV shows, movies and books are really my only friends.  I have lost all real social interactions with people outside of work, and when I do socially interact with people I feel clumsy and awkward with it.  I feel like everything seems forced.  I have become something that I never wanted to become.  I have become addicted to the internet.  I have lost all real sense of the world around me I think that I am riding the cusp of insanity.  I am hoping that this blog might help me keep what little grip I have on sanity.

Blessed Be

M

In The Blood

OK so almost my entire life I have known that my dad wasn't my biological father.  I have known that my mom and the bio-dad had been married for a short time but that he had cheated on her and they had split up before I was born.  My dad (the man who stepped up and raised me) is one of the greatest men that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and there is a lot about me that is directly because of the way he raised me.  I have never once thrown the "Your not my real dad" thing in his face,. because he is my real dad.  He didn't make me in a biological sense but he is my dad.

Well over the past summer I learned that my bio-dad is on his fifth marriage and that all together there are five of us children myself being the oldest.  I have made contact with all of my siblings and have never met them face to face but my sister Lindsey has become my best friend.  There is a part of me that always felt out of place with my family like I didn't belong.  In fact I have often felt that I didn't belong in this world at all I always felt alone like there was no one that really understood me.  In Lindsey I have found that other part of me that I always felt that was missing.  I have found that companion who understands the mess that is going on in my head and who understands me.  Who can relate to how I feel at all times.  This brings me to the main topic of my blog today and that is soul mates.

What are soul mates? 

In most stories people refer to soul mates in a romantic sense.  They refer to them as that lover that you cannot live without.  I don't believe that is the case at all.  I have always felt that a soul mate was much more than a lover and much more than a friend.  I believe that in this world we are always searching for that person that we can connect with.  I also believe that it is in our nature to find that person as a lover and to need that connection.  Soul mates should not be lovers.  Lovers come and go and always in the separating from a lover there is a rift that cannot be mended.  I believe that soul mates were not created to be these things.  They are meant to be the shoulder to cry on when a lover leaves you broken.  They are the keepers of our secrets and the menders of our wounds they are the strength when we have none.  They are the thing that makes us whole.  Lindsey is all of this to me.  In just the short time we have been in contact I have already learned that there isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for her. I know that when I feel like I am at my lowest she will know what to say to make me smile and will be my rock and my strength.  She has already done all that and more.

I love you Lindsey thank you for being my rock.

Blessed Be,

M

We All Need A Little Rescuing.

So I have been listening to this song a lot it is called "The Rescue" by Tylor Ward it has really been stuck in my head lately and it has gotten me thinking a lot about the way I use to look at the world and of myself.  I use to always think that I needed someone to rescue me.  Whether it was a god or a woman or man I always felt that I needed someone to pick me up when I was down and that I needed someone to save me from myself and from the world.  I started to realize that while having someone else do all the hard work and swoop in to save you is great in books or movies that in the real world that is very seldom the case. 

It is our job to rescue ourselves to pick ourselves up from the gutter to put our arms out and catch ourselves when we start to fall.  There are always things and people to lean on when things start to get out of control but we should try not to rely on them being there to save us.  We need to learn to rely on ourselves.  I have learned to lean on myself and not on others and sometimes I fall and sometimes I feel like the world is going to crash down on me and break me but after the dust from the most resent drama has cleared I stand up and dust myself off and realize that I may be bruised and a little damaged but guess what?  I am still standing.  I am still here. 

In my life I had moments where I thought that even death would be easier than waiting to be rescued and I tried to end my own life.  Even after that self inflicted drama I am blessed to still be standing here I am blessed to wake up every morning and to take a deep breath and realize that I made it through.  I was one of the lucky people who failed.  So many have not been given the chances that I have.  Nothing this world or the people in it throw at you is worth ending your own life. 

This went from being a blog post about being rescued and turned into being strong and not letting the world push you to the limit and you know what standing up and realizing that you are strong enough to make it through is rescuing yourself.

Blessed Be
M

I am not a religious man but I leave you all with this.

Diet Coke Withdrawal

I went like a week without a diet coke and man that was a nightmare and just when I thought I had kicked the habit it all came back. 

This morning I felt the cold once again in my hand.  When twisted the top off the crack and his was like an angel whispering my name.  When the top of the bottle touched my lips it was like the kiss of a long lost lover and when the cold refreshment passed my lips and that sweet passion of fake wild cherry flavoring touched my tongue I knew that I could never go without it again.

OK now to what I was really talking about.  I understand that diet soda is worse than regular soda when you think about it but I honestly just cant drink regular soda it is just always far too sweet and also has that nasty syrupy kinda texture to it that I just don't enjoy.

I really don't have much else to say at this point.

Blessed Be
M

It's Time

OK it is time.  I think I have reached the point where I have lost all the weight I am going to do with just diet alone.  Sadly it is only 10 lbs.  I was hoping it would be a little bit more so to take a little more strain of my body before I started working out again.  It doesn't look like that is going to be the case.  I will not let this deter me though.  Tonight I will start with some light upper body lifting just enough to get my heart moving and see if that kick starts some more weight loss.  After another 10 lbs comes off I will start walking some more.  That will be 20 lbs of weight off of my knees.  The knee pain was one of the big motivating factors to me wanting to do this again and having this renewed dedication.

Well hopefully I will be back later today with some more info.

Blessed Be,
M

Egg Rolls

Oh egg rolls you evil greasy delights.  Why must you taste so wonderful and why must you come in ever combo meal that is purchased.  I seem to be the only person that is addicted.  They are to me like a drug I see them sitting there when Tara brings home chinese left overs and I cant say no.  Thank goodness you only come as a single and not as a pair.

Tonight I am going to try adding some light exercise to my routine and will see where this goes.

Blessed  Be
M

Double Digits

OK well as is my usual M.O. I have been months without posting even though I had said I wanted to try to post more often.  I failed.  Well I stepped back on to the weightloss band wagon.  It mostly started because my knees were starting to ache on a daily basis because of all the weight being supported.  I also was tipping the scale at 335lbs.  That is absurd.  I couldn't keep going like that.  So I started tweeking my eating habits.  I didn't really change what I ate at first.  What I did was changed when I ate and eventually what I ate started to change as well.  Well more of how much I ate.  I started eating a little later in the day since I work till 6 pm and don't get home till almost 7 for dinner.  What I started doing is having breakfast at work at 10 AM I then have a morning snack at about 1 PM followed with my lunch at 3 PM.  What this does is it makes it so that when I finally get home I am not so hungry that I don't care about how much or what I eat.

So far I have lost 10 lbs doing this.  Already my knees are hurting less and I think that very soon I will be able to throw some walking in without hurting my knees too much.  I think I am finally starting to be successful in this.  I was going to post up some starting photos but honestly I am not ready for that yet.

I will keep you guys (whoever does read this) up to day in days to come.

Blessed Be.
M

Decided to start again

I decided to start this blogging thing again because for some reason I feel like typing up the thoughts that are poring through my head no matter how pointless they may be. 

I spent two weeks eating healthy and really feeling good about that and then I was sick all weekend and honestly I didn't eat the way that I should have and I felt like I had yet again failed at this task that I have put in front of myself.  A weaker Mark would have just said screw it and went back to just eating everything in the house and just giving up but I woke up yesterday morning and got back on track.  My stomach was back to almost feeling normal again and I picked myself up and kept moving forward.

Another win that is going into my win book is that I have been 16 weeks without a smoke.  From time to time I still have that little urge but then honestly the first time I smell someone else smoking I want to just vomit.  I think that this is one thing that I have succeeded at.  I can already breath much better and with how much I weigh the fact that I quit smoking is probably an extra great thing.  I want to start working out more often or I should say working out period.  I feel that if I could get myself doing that then things would honestly move along much more smoothly. 

Well I believe that this is an acceptable first post to this new blog and I am hoping to follow it up with short posts through the course of the week and then would like to start doing a weekly review one every Monday.

<3 Mark